Beach Restrictions Ridiculed In Spain

The Costa Del Sol County Council has announced today that new measures are being implemented to ensure social distancing by beach users as the lockdown restrictions are relaxed. The plan to install perspex booths on beaches in Spain is already being criticised and described as impractical. Today we have learned that swimmers are also going to be subject to restrictions when entering the ocean.

Local authorities have begun installing ticket distribution points close to the sea. Our anonymous source Anne Hernandez, self-employed, says “I’ve learned that there will be a ticketing system used to control the number of swimmers in the sea. When you get to the beach, you take a numbered ticket, then wait for a lifeguard to call out your number. You then get ten minutes of swimming time. People keep asking me if I’m outraged by this, which is odd, because I’m quite a calm person and I don’t know why anyone would think otherwise”.

Our art department has obscured the face of our anonymous source Anne Hernandez in order to protect her privacy.

The new system is similar to that used in pharmacies and shoe shops. It should help slow the spread of the coronavirus. Enrique Enfermedad from the Direct Inclusive Litigation Duration Organisation says “This is a great way to keep the ocean virus free, people need to be more supportive. The science is good. Donald Trump may even implement this idea in America”.

The ticketing system is being criticised by some expat beach users though. Summer Quinn is originally from Birmingham and now lives in Torremolinos. She says “actually I’m not from Birmingham, I’m from Smethwick. This is just scaremongering. The best way to keep the ocean virus free is not to let anyone in it at all. It’s just asking for trouble, letting people sit in plastic boxes on the beach and swim when a number on a ticket says they can”.

Councils have already begun installing these beach cublicles.

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Conspiracy theorists have bee quick to jump on the bandwagon and criticise this new plan. C. J. Parker from Truth International Torremolinos Society says “this is a cover up. These ticket machines are actually 5g transmitters in disguise, that will be used to spread the coronavirus by Bill Gates. He owns the virus, and he owns the beaches on the Costa Del Sol. Join the dots, it’s not rocket science”.

Currently beaches are only open for walking with children. There is no official word on when beaches will be fully reopened and the new ticketing system implemented. However, local coronavirus and lockdown expert Tracey from Facebook says it will be soon. “The beaches are coming back next week. The government don’t want to loose anymore money so they are bringing them back. I’ve seen it on Youtube too. They should of done this sooner”.

A lightly armed Guardia Civil tank unit will be patrolling the beaches to check ticket numbers

The new system is being described as outrageous by expats. Anne Fernandez runs a Facebook group where outraged expats can express their outrage on issues including Brexit and a nationwide shortage of Tena Plus. Anne says “This is outrageous. We don’t even know when beaches will be reopened. This ticket idea will never work. You get ten minutes when they read out your number. Some of my members wouldn’t be able to get to the sea from their sun loungers in ten minutes. It’s an outrage. I’m furious. Judy, pass the valium!”.

Do you think the ticketing system is a good way to reopen the beaches? Have your say in the comments below.

Written by Mitch Buchannon, Costa Del Sol Update